| "You
can fool all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all
of the time, but you can't fool all of the people all of the time". I think
Abraham Lincoln said that. "You can never please a bloody Gnome". I said
that. This is the story of Geralds Day Out. |
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| Gerald
seems to think that, because he was the first Gnome I got, he deserves
special privileges. For weeks now he's been grumbling and complaining....
"You never take me out anywhere" and "You don't think I'm a desirable Gnome
anymore" and "you're ashamed to be seen out with me". Its worse than being
married to the little son-of-a-bitch. In the end I gave in and agreed
to take him for a ride in the countryside. So off we went, him clutching
his little watering-can and me gritting my teeth as he tried to tell me
how to drive. |
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Click
any of small images on this page for bigger and more detailed pictures
of Geralds Day Out
|
| Within
about 10 minutes we had to pull over. Gerald had decided he didn't feel
comfortable being driven around by someone else. So he wanted to drive
himself. Well we argued furiously over that. He doesn't have a license
you know and he's as short-sighted as a very short-sighted bat. But in
the end I agreed just to keep the peace. You can just about see him peering
over the steering wheel in the pictures. Of course he is so small that
he could only just manage this by hanging onto the wheel itself, and in
that position his little legs weren't nearly long enough. |
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He
tried sitting down on the drivers seat, but of course then he couldn't
see over the steering wheel *or* reach the pedals. But he seemed quite
happy sitting there for ages making 'Brummm-Brummm' noises and pretending
he was driving. I stood as much of that as I could, but it was clear this
wasn't going to work either. When I suggested that I drive again he complained
bitterly that it was prejudice and discrimination against those of diminished
stature. God, but he can complain !! |
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| I
tried to pursuade him to get out of the car for a bit of fresh air. After
finding every excuse in the world for not doing what I suggested, he eventually
and very grudgingly agreed. He climbed out onto the bonnet of the car and
sniffed the cold Autumn air suspiciously. Then he started shivering and
whining pitifully about being a house gnome and not being used to extremes
of temperature. Good Lord !! |
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To
shut him up I offered him my warm Thinsulite hat (you can tell its gen-u-wine
Thinsulite because it says so on the front). Did that shut him up ? What
do you think ? Now he was complaining that the hat was too big and the
cold wind was getting up the sides and hurting his sensitive Gnome ears.
Plus he didn't think it suited him. Grrrrrr !!! I could feel my blood pressure
rising and my eye-lid starting to twitch like it always does when I get
stressed. |
| So
I did what any reasonable person would do. I hung the litle bastard upside
down by his heels inside the car, and drove over bumpy roads until he felt
sick. He was wailing and wriggling and shouting .."Please .. Take me Gnome
.. Take me Gnome".. at the top of his tiny voice until in the end
I relented. I thought I'd shown the disgruntled dwarf who was boss, but
just as we were pulling up outside of our house Gerald was sick all over
me. Don't tell me it wasn't deliberate ! Still, I felt so sorry for Gerald
that said I would take him out again and maybe let him drive. But now he's
in a huff and says he's reporting me to the 'Gnomes in Need' organisation
for battered Gnomes and also suing me for Gnome'ish assault.
As
I started off by saying, you can never please a bloody Gnome ! |
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