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| Before
the Attack - 'Dubbya' enjoys a typical testing presidential day with his
feet up, guzzling beer and pretzels and watching football on TV. |
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| After
the Attack - the Whitehouse refuses to confirm that the character of Homer
Simpson is based on Mr Bush |
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The
truth about George 'Dubbya' Bush's recent brush with fast-food heaven is
just starting to emerge from secret Whitehouse files leaked to Gnomeweb.
It seems the toxic texan was doing his effortless impersonation of Homer
Simpson, guzzling beer and snacky foods while watching TV, when a hidden
Gnome assassin suddenly leapt up out of the pretzel bowl where he
had been hiding and dealt the Prez a mighty whack on the head. The fiendish
dwarf was quickly wrestled to the ground by secret service men and flown
off to a secure military base in Cuba. His motives are as yet unknown but
he is being tortured (erm.... interrogated ) in an attempt to establish
his link with pretzels. Guards say they shaved his beard off for 'hygenic'
reasons but civil-rights lawyers have condemned this action as cruel and
unneccessary. In the meantime, a visibly shaken Bush has now commited America
to a global war on pretzels and all other crunchy snacks. In a televised
appearance the battered texan warned other world leaders.. 'In this war
against crunchy snacks you're either with us or against us'. While Mr.
Bush's call for a war against crunchy snacks received broad-based support
in Congress, key Cabinet members were quick to highlight the difficulty
of the struggle ahead. "Once we've taken out the pretzels, we still have
to go after Fritos, Doritos, and Cheetos," Secretary of Defense Donald
H. Rumsfeld told reporters. "Then we're going after the Gnomes. This war
could last for years." Mr. Bush urged Americans to be on high alert
for crunchy snacks, but said it was important not to let this war disrupt
the American way of life and to continue to over-indulge in such non-crunchy
snacks as hot dogs and hamburgers. |
| The
Pretzel Assassin caught in the act by closed-circuit Whitehouse security
cameras |
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| Whitehouse
spokesmen say that security precautions have been stepped up and that highly
trained secret -service agents will now pre-chew all of President Bush's
food before he is allowed to eat it. |
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