Dear
Gnomeweb - Did you receive this letter sent 3 weeks ago ? !
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Dear Uncle
Gnome....Last July I took a holiday in the city of Nome, Alaska, and had
a
strange
experience I have been puzzling over ever since. I was on my way from Anvil
City Park to Crazy Bills Emporium, and had stopped outside a snowmobile
repair shop to consult the map I had earlier picked up from the Visitors
Bureau. As I struggled with the zips on my recalcitrant daypack, I became
aware of a chuckling sound coming from around the corner of the building.
When I went to have a look, I had the surprise of life. Standing in an
alley was a six-foot tall garden gnome with a red pointy cap, either being
jolly or laughing at one of his own jokes. After a few minutes, when I
was quite certain that I wasnt hallucinating due to the accidental ingestion
of a potent industrial chemical, I asked him who he was. He replied I am
the gnome of Nome in a deep voice that appeared to reverberate as if spoken
in an echo chamber. I was so amazed that I turned around, and looked down
the street for witnesses, but nobody was near. When I looked back up the
alley, the gnome was gone! This was a great disappointment, as I had been
about to ask him the meaning of life, and I secretly knew that I would
have to piece it all together without any outside help.
Constance
Merewether |
| Uncle
Gnome answers ......Alas
no, dear Constance, we didn't get your last missive. It might've been the
gnomes here at the website overlooking it (and goodness knows they're lazy
little creatures) but I suspect something far more sinister is afoot. I
believe the last email is missing because some shadowy government agency
in the USA is monitoring internet email traffic and trying to block any
reference to unusually big gnomes.
Why
? Well... you'll probably be aware that one of the difficulties with the
American space program has always been the huge cost. In it's heyday, during
the '60's, the NASA space-agency was able to send quite big people (like
Neil Armstrong) up to trudge around on the moon and make banal remarks.
Savage funding cutbacks however meant that space
inside
the rockets became ever smaller. By the early 1970's they had reached the
point where even jockey-sized human astronauts wouldn't fit. I think you
see where I'm heading with this Constance, don't you ? Reports began to
surface in the more serious newspapers (like the National Enquirer) of
teams of men in black suits, driving Chevy suburbans with blacked-out windows,
descending on small towns in the heartland of America at night and snatching
garden gnomes. Of course when questions were asked about these gnome-nappings
the government denied all knowledge, but those who made a nuisance of themselves
mysteriously disappeared. NASA continued to triumphantly broadcast to the
world pictures of teams of astronauts in space floating around and doing
silly things upside down. However, because of funding cutbacks, their rockets
were now only 10 feet long. Need I say more ? I think we can all draw our
own conclusions !
Anyway,
to cut a long story short (and I know you wish I would) and also to get
to your question, I suspect the thing you saw was one of the kidnapped
space-gnomes. Reports have been surfacing recently on the internet about
sightings of huge gnomes. Informed scientific opinion suggests that, after
being bombarded by cosmic radiation in the cheap
little
space ships, the gnomes genetically mutated and became enormous. Maddened
by the pain of their little red pointy hats (which now gripped their huge
heads like vices) a band of them broke out of the NASA headquarters and
headed north over the border to hide in Alaska, living off the land as
they went. We believe that they are being hunted down
ruthlessly
by America secret-service operatives, and killed on sight to stop them
exposing the whole fake USA space-program scam that has been perpetrated
on the public over recent decades. I cannot stress enough the danger
you are in. If you see the men in black suits, then run like a thief in
the night. If you should see the huge gnome again, make the 'friend' sign
(the index finger waggling on top of your head) and offer to hide him in
your attic. Contact me again then and I will put you in touch with the
Gnome underground and we will try to get the poor gnome smuggled to a more
civilized country. Be brave Constance, but be careful and let me know at
once if you suspect you are being watched..
Yours,
in dark glasses and wearing a false beard.....Uncle Gnome |
